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Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.