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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Honk if you are reading this.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!