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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
about love
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Ride me like you stole me.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Sometimes I think Iām too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?