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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.