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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.