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Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i only drink on days that end with y
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.