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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy