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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.