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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
My mom says I`m special.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.