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I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.