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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
u cant spell awesome without me
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness