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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.