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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.