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If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?