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I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I know u r but what am I ?
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.