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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.