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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.