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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?