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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic