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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!