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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?