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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P