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Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.