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I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime