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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...