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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!