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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Valentines day
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.