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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.