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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.