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Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.