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What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.