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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.