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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.