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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.