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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
What number SPF blocks people?
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?