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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.