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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.