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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem