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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!