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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.