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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.