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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape