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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.