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If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Bacon...need I say more
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car