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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
sleep is for people without netflix
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.