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I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener