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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"