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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !