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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.