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The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.