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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?