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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.