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I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
i like boobs