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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.