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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.