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Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.