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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.