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I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.