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In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.