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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the `Like` button is below)
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.