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Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver