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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.