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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.