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"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.