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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
insert coin to view my status
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.