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Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work