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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of