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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.