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Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!