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I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.