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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…