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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.