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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.