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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.