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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.