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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.