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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.