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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
It`s not stalking if you love them!