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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!