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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.