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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.