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My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.