Daily Silly Status

I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!

Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!

Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...

If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t

So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!

*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.

I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper

Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.

I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.