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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.