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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.