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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..